you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
