the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
