escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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