Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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