im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
