She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
why do cheetos always look like penises
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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