It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize