I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
