so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
