Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
