dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
