I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
