you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize