I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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