apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
