i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
