whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
