smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
