fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
