Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
