can we get nightvision for the apartment?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize