whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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