First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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