also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
