we're chasing vodka with high fives
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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