So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
When did angry sex become our thing?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
