I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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