I skipped work to stalk him.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I intend to get homeless drunk
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize