i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
