So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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