Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
