I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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