Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
