96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
