You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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