I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
