Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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