i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
