I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize