About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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