then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
