My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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