And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
