Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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