I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
