The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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