You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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