after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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