apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize