I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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