The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
