In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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