I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
