Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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