I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
