I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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