This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
