I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
