He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
why do cheetos always look like penises
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
