Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
