The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Four minutes until I can fart!
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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