i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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