I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
