Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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