i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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